Blessings and Joy

I've had some really wonderful blessings this summer that I feel I need to share.  I've had my ups and downs with the Fibro but I've also had some really wonderful experiences and am getting ready to experience some more.  I leave early tomorrow morning for a trip to visit my daughter and her family in California and while I am there I will get to reunite with a cousin I haven't seen in about 40 years!  Pondering that, it makes me sound realllllly old....

Back to the blessings of my summer. It began with a little retreat with a few sweet and wonderful young women at this quaint little cabin up near Sundance Utah, How Cute Is This????

It was a wonderful experience getting to know these young ladies and sharing life stories and just staying up late and really laughing together.  I was so glad I went and spent this special time with them.

Next I went on a last minute trip home to Eagar Arizona.  I hadn't been home in about 2 years.  I told my mom I was coming but my brothers had no idea.  What fun it was to surprise them.  I hadn't seen my oldest brother in about 6 years.  Let me just say, many tears were shed that weekend.  We had not all been together for a whole weekend in a very, very, very, long time. 

We had a big bar-b-que with my uncles, cousins, neices, nephews, etc.  It was so fun to see everyone and spend some precious moments with them.  With the years passing so quickly, my mom's growing age, the children growing older, it is so important to have this time together. I can't believe my neice Taylor is graduating from high school already!  Time Flies, it really does and if we are not careful, it will zoom past us and we won't even see the things that are really imporant as they fly by.

Crazy thing, that Saturday that we were there, a cousin on my dad's side of the family called and they were having a family reunion at the city park!  What are the odds??? We were able to go over and visit with some family members on my dad's side we had not seen in 30 or 40 years as well as some we had never met.  It was amazing!  We jam packed so much in that short 4 days.

Most important, my son and his wife brought their new baby girl with us.  My mom had not yet met her great granddaughter.  What a sweet precious moment that was.

It was so worth the trip.  We had a wonderful time looking at old pictures, watching old videos and sharing memories together.  We had a lifetime of memories to share with each other.  I enjoyed this wonderful time with my mom, brothers, and the rest of the family.  Thanks to all of you.

Next up My husband and I attended another retreat with the young women we serve in the bishopric of at BYU. 

It was one of the most uplifting things I have been to in a very long time.  We had a wonderful time and these young ladies were so kind and generous to us.  I have to say that when I think of service and compassion I think of one of the young ladies in our ward.  She exudes these attributes so much.  She is always asking how I am doing and she really cares about me.  At this retreat she made sure I was taken care of.  She would not rest until I got my toe nails done with the glitter toes they were doing on all the girls!  It was so sweet! I am so grateful for the opportunity I have to serve these young women and for the love and care they give back to me.  I know that when we are serving other people we have less time to dwell on our own problems and pain.

What a Blessing!

We had Brinley's Baby Blessing (the equivilent in other religions of the Christening) yesterday.  It was wonderful.  She looked like a little princess in the beautiful dress she was wearing:

Of course big brother Korbyn was in on the action and very proud of his little sister and stole a few precious moments with her.  Brinley held very still while daddy gave her the most beautiful and detailed blessing I have ever heard.  The spirit was very strong.  Because of all the family and friends support, the circle was very big.  That was such a special and touching thing to see.

Afterward family and friends met together to celebrate at her mommy and daddy's house. We enjoyed great food and wonderful moments.

She is a brand new blessing in our lives and it meant a lot to be able to be involved in this special day with so much family around. I want to thank Cari's family for being so amazing.  We were so blessed that our son married into such a remarkable family.  

A Tribute

Happy Birthday Daddy

My dad would have been 92 years old today.  We lost him 17 years ago.  He taught me so many valuable life lessons. I was his little princess and he always treated me like one.  I came to him late in life and by the time I was in high school he had retired so he was home all the time with me.  We were so close. He had the best sense of humor of anyone I have ever known.  He taught me it was always ok to laugh about any situation.  The best things in life are truly free: Your TIME with your loved ones, LOVE, and how you spend/give both.  Treasure every moment, life can change in an instant and your loved ones can be gone.

Living life, no really.....

Disclaimer, the beginning of this might not be the usual upbeat thing I normally write, but (there will still be humor)... Let me paint a picture for you:

Picture a dog on a chain that runs between a couple of trees, the dog is hooked by a leash to a rope so he can run back and forth quite a distance between the two trees so he feels quite a bit of freedom and enjoys the days in the sun running back and forth, life is good, he's feeling the freedom of the running, then he kind of forgets the leash is there and he spots something in the distance and he starts panting and thinking wow, it's right there, I can get it, and he starts to run for it and he gets faster and faster, and faster, and snap!  All of a sudden the leash snaps him back to reality and he realizes his world is confined to the patch of dirt he has worn between the trees.  This is his life...... it is what it is.  Do you get where I'm going with this?

I want to say on the BRIGHT SIDE, the new medication is working considerably better than anything I have had in the past!  I had 3 full weeks of GREAT days with just a day or 2 of pain which is a miracle for me in the last year!!!  I haven't used the word Great in a YEAR! I got so used to having nearly no pain in the last three weeks (the dog forgetting his leash) I was up and going and enjoying my life.... maybe a little too much, snap!  I was brought back to reality by an incredibly bad day (actually 3).  I KNOW, lame, I know the bad days will come, it is the nature of the beast of this illness and we will all have them.  There is no cure, but Seriously when it happened I instantly saw this scenario in my mind.  I laughed out loud.  My husband was puzzled that I was in so much pain but laughing!  You gotta laugh! It feels so much better than crying!

So I'm on a combination of meds that seem to be making a big difference for me.  There is still a small amount of pain and the fatigue is maddening (side effects, on top of the fatigue caused by fibro, bummer) but this is life worth living. If anyone wants to know the exact medications, send me an email, I'd be happy to share the names.

I got to babysit my new granddaughter for the first time on Saturday and that was so sweet.  Special moments just me and her. 

I loved every second of it.  Stolen precious moments of time.  I can't get enough of this precious little angel.  I can't wait until she starts reacting back to me (smiling and cooing).

I also had the great pleasure of enjoying some time with my niece Naomi and her two children.  They stopped over on the way home from a vacation they were taking and spent the night and joined us for our annual Spanish Fork Fiesta Days celebration.  We went to the parade and carnival. 

We had a great time and my son got to catch up with his cousin that he rarely sees.  His son got to play with her two kids.  It was great to share that time together and to see my son and my niece interact as adults with their own children. (Where did the time go, it was just yesterday they were little children playing together in my back yard!) I loved watching my grown son with his son and my niece's children at the parade.  My heart swelled with pride.  He was having so much fun getting them to think he was the fun "uncle" Justin with the small fireworks he had brought (even though he is really their second cousin).

I remember always wanting to be the "FUN" Aunt T.  I think my nieces and nephews do look back on those years and think of me that way.  I loved and cherished that time in my life. I'm glad my children love being the FUN Auntie and Uncle as well. Life is short, enjoy the ride!!!

Accepting the Bad Days

I've had a full week of really Great days in a row, which has been a milestone for me!  I've been afraid to even say it for fear of jinxing it.  Could it be the new combination of meds (Savella and Lyrica) the Dr. put me on?  I haven't used the word Great to describe a day in the last six months.  Any day with my pain level being below a 5 is a really great day.  So I have really been busy with past week enjoying life. The best part of which is the grandkids.  Craiger lives in California so I don't get to see him in person every day, but we ichat.  Isn't he just adorable?

He makes me laugh on the days I need a laugh.  He is so cute and he always smiles when he sees his mimi in the box (the computer).  And then there is the new baby Brinley, oh what joy it is to have her in our lives.

To see her big brother Korbyn be so soft and sweet with her.  He gives her soft kisses on the head and is gentle and sweet around her.  Such special moments. 

So when I wake up today and it is an extremely bad day, it's ok.  For those of you out there who have ups and downs, whatever your case may be, allow yourself the bad day.  Tomorrow will be better.  Life is still good and you will have those times that you can't control.  Allow yourself those times.  Special Moments are in your future, just waiting around the bend.

The Miracle of Life

Faith is something I Feel we are born into this world with.  Little children just automatically have faith that their parents are going to take care of them.  The sun will rise tomorrow morning, life will go on.  We have faith that things in life will turn out ok.  Most of us don't think our life will take the twists and turns that sometimes it does....  This is Brinley Anne Sorensen, my beautiful new granddaughter sleeping sweetly in her daddy's arms:

The morning began just as normal, the labor was normal, not even very painful for my sweet daughter-in-law.  We assumed it would just be a run-of-the-mill delivery.  Not to be. This sweet baby almost didn't make it into our family.  By the time she was delivered there were 15 doctors and nurses in the room, her daddy (my son) was repeatedly asking "is everything ok?" and getting no answer from anyone.  The difficulty didn't end in her finally getting here, once she was here, she was not breathing and no matter what they did, they couldn't get her to breathe.  It took an army, and tons of prayers and tears.  Finally the breath came.  She's ok and we are so grateful she is ours for this time on earth.  All while this was going on her Mimi (me) was sitting in the waiting room without a clue, which was probably a good thing.  I think I would have freaked out on a doctor not giving us any answers!

I think I hugged her little brother Korbyn a little too tightly and little too many times that night.  I was too "mushy" with him.  He didn't understand why.  He was happy his little sister finally came and that he got to have a sleepover at mimi and baba's house.  I was just so grateful for the precious moments I got to hold baby Brinley and realized that life is fleeting, we are only here on earth for a short time and we have to treasure each moment.  Every birth really is a Miracle, there is nothing "routine" about it!  Now I can relax and be excited about being a mimi again!  This pretty little girl looks a lot like her daddy did when he was a baby.  She was born with a head full of black hair just like he was, though his turned totally blond when he was a little boy.  We'll have to see what develops!

Moving Forward

I haven't posted for a couple of weeks, mainly because I've been having a difficult time with my fibro.  The old addage, "If you can't say something nice...." ha.   But also, I haven't had internet.  Our internet will come up for 5 minutes then go down again!  Lame.  A change is a comin'.  I saw my Dr. this week and he changed one of my medications so I am hoping there will be better days ahead. The new med is making me sleepy though, so I'm hoping that will stop soon.  Lame.  Staying positive though!!

I had a playdate with my 3 year old grandson Korbyn last week

and so it was naptime and as we were laying on "mimi's bed" and watching Shrek Christmas Cartoon (yes it is June) for the 47th time--the things we do for our grandchildren :0) He layed his little head right on top of mine with his face right on my cheek.  I didn't want to move... EVER.  What a sweet moment.  So many things ran through my mind, how fleeting the moments are in our lives. If I had declined the opportunity to have the playdate because I didn't feel well, I would have missed out on this moment! I know in just a few short years he will be too old to be coming to playdates with Mimi, he will be off with his friends.  I'm so thankful to have this time with him.  I wish so much I could spend this one-on-one time with my other grandkids.  His little sister is due to be born any day now. I hope I will have the same chance with her to have playdates and special moments.

My mom always made my children and her other grandchildren feel special.  She actually had a birthday party for the Cabbage Patch dolls she bought her three granddaughters for Christmas.  She sent them all invitations to the party and then had the party as if it were for a real person.  It was awesome.  Those girls are all grown now and two of them have children of their own and they are still talking about that party.  I want to be that kind of grandmother. 

Life hands us some crumby stuff sometimes but it is how we choose to handle what we are faced with.  Live each day as if it is your last, be the person you want your family to remember you as, don't sweat the small stuff.  You never know when a golden moment will happen, when you might be cheek to cheek with your grandchild, just for a moment.

on the bright side.....

So I know my memory hasn't been the best in the last year or so... so much so that my family gets a pretty good laugh about it quite often. I was reading about Fibromyalgia and discovered this is one of the symptoms!  Yay!  It isn't my fault and I'm not just getting old!

On the Bright Side, I can rewatch an entire television series and not remember a thing about it so it is like watching it for the first time!!! Ha ha ha.  Seriously, I've been rewatching Lost and it has made me chuckle as I am so engrossed in it I wonder "what is going to happen next???" and then I laugh and realize I've seen this whole thing before you know!  I know my daughter is reading this laughing out loud at me.  I am reminded of those exciting moments when we were actually watching this great series for the first time and the minute it would go to commercial one of us would be calling the other on the phone asking "did you catch this," or "did you see that?"  We were total "Losties" and it was so much fun.  I remember my husband thinking we were crazy (he wasn't a real fan) but even at that time I knew these were golden moments that would never come again. I don't think we ever got through an entire episode without calling each other at least twice.  Ah the memories.

remembering moments

I grew up in a tiny town in Arizona called Eagar.  It is on the far eastern border near the New Mexico state line about in the middle of the state.  I have happy memories of my childhood and my husband and I lived there the first 10 years of our marriage when our children were born and while they were little.  I was lucky to have my two older brothers live there as well.  We all lived within a mile of each other with my parents as well.  It was a wonderful time for all of us. We moved to Utah in 1990.  We went up there the last time we were home.

I'm being nostalgic because right now our beautiful mountains are on fire and we are losing so much of them.  Our surrounding towns are in danger.  It is really scary. http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/06/05/arizona.wildfires/index.html

I think back on all the time we spent on these mountains, the special moments my children spent with my dad camping, building "forts" and the time spent with their uncles and aunts as well.  We had family reunions, family campouts, easter egg hunts and picnics.  My kids still talk about these precious moments with fond memories.  We lost my father to cancer in 1994 so it is heart wrenching to see his mountain home in flames.  He was born and raised in these mountains.  He saw the world change from the transportation of horses to space shuttles. My mom tells me they had to fight to save the old log cabin he lived in as a boy from this devistating fire.  Some of my favorite memories as a child are going up there with him and hearing the stories of his childhood.  This log home is where my parents' love story began as well.  It means everything to me.

It just drives home that we need to remember to cherish every moment, and every memory. My dad spent every minute he could with his grandkids and my husband is doing the same.  It doesn't matter what they are doing, just spending time, that's what is important.  I took this picture when we went to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving.  It thought it showed a precious moment between my husband and our grandson, just looking out the window at the vegas lights.

Sweet Moments

I cherish the moments with my granchildren. I'm blessed to have 6 and 1 on the way, however only 1 (and the 1 on the way) live close to me.  I love spending 1 on 1 time with him.  Memorial Day we got to take him to see Thomas the Train in person and it was so much fun!

What they say is true, "if I had known how much fun grandkids would be I would have had them first!" They love us unconditionally. On the days that are the hardest, when it feels like I'm struggling to find my way and wondering if I can find the good days again, I just have to look into his eyes and hear him say "I need you mimi" and I melt.  It's all worth it.  Never give up, cherish those moments that you are given and hang on to the memories when you are having a hard time. 

Netflix and crosstitch and heating pads, Oh my!

I've had a rough couple of weeks, with few joyful moments but I guess that is to be expected with this disease.  It is hard not to get discouraged but you just have to believe that tomorrow is going to be a better day.  I'm still in the early learning stages.  How many episodes of the TV show Lost can you watch in a week?  hmmm.  I'm embarrassed to tell you the answer to that right now.  But whatever keeps you sane when you can't move much, right?  I'm working on projects I can do with my hands only (cross stitch) and reading and focusing on the positive as much as possible.

I have a friend that I have had since 5th grade who is going through a really rough time right now.  I love her like a sister and wish we lived closer so I could help her through this.  I think about her every day and pray for her every night.  As much pain as I'm going through physically, she is suffering so much more emotionally.  When I think I can't take it any more, I think of her and I know that we are made stronger by the trials we are given in this life.  When we feel we cannot take one more step, our Savior picks us up and carries us.  He would never ask us to endure more than we are capable of.  My best advice for her and any mother going through something so difficult is: remember the precious moments of your life spent with those you love, and look forward to the future.  Know that there will be better days ahead and wonderful, joyous moments and memories yet to be made.

I had lunch with a couple of great friends of mine yesterday, one of which has Fibromyalgia.  She had some great advice to give me and she helped me to refocus and gave me the boost I needed to get my head back in the game.  I had a GREAT moment today.... I doubled my exercise time!  Thanks Nancy!

Laughter is the best medicine!

This is my grandson Bladen.  If there is trouble to be found, he finds it.  He's so adorable.  This picture perfectly illustrates the point I want to make today.  Laughter is truly the best medicine.  Years ago when my children were little my lifelong friend taught me a very valuable lesson.  She told me she came into the kitchen to find her 3 year old son on the kitchen floor covered in flour, flour covering the floor, eggs broken, some in a bowl, some on the floor, basically a mess. She asked him what he was doing and he said "making you pancakes mommy."  In my head I was thinking uh, oh, I bet you were mad.  I asked "what did you do?"  Her answer "I ran and got the camera."  My viewpoint totally changed after that.  Instead of an angry situation this was a funny moment captured forever in pictures.

Marie Osmond credits her mom for teaching them a creed that I live by: Someday we are going to laugh about this, why not laugh about it now?  It's true isn't it?  Is there really any situation that happens in life that with time doens't become funny?  I've been known to laugh at the most inappropriate of situations.  Case in point: standing in the receiving line at my father's funeral viewing.  My two older brothers are comedians anyway who make everything funny.  Now of course there was absolutely nothing funny about our father passing away.  But dad had a great sense of humor so I know he was smiling down from heaven when this happened.  My brother didn't have a suit of his own to wear so he went into dad's closet to borrow one.  Dad kept Rolaids in every pocket of every item of clothing he owned.  Now, there was no telling how long this particular roll of Rolaids had been in this pocket, but my brother decided he needed a breath mint and he figured a Rolaid would be "close enough."  I think maybe this roll of Rolaids had been in the pocket a bit past the expiration date because I turned and looked at my brother and he looked at me and his mouth was puckered up and his eyes were popping out of his head.  He couldn't do anything but swallow it.  He started choking and we both burst out laughing.  Not the most appropriate thing to do in a funeral line.  It was extremely hard to get our composure back. But that one moment we shared was priceless.  It was just what we needed at a very sad time.  Take some time to laugh, laughter can be the best medicine!

Taking credit for success

I worked in a university library for nearly 8 years and while there employed many young men and young women. These amazing young people became more than employees to me, they became my surrogate children. Many parents sent their children away to college and I felt that I needed to be there to take care of these kids for the parents who couldn't be there physically for their children. The hard part was they would graduate or get married and have children of their own and leave, much like our own children grow up and leave the nest. The upside is that a few of these stellar young people who have grown into amazing young adults have kept in close touch with me. They have continued to care about me long after the employee/employer relationship ended. I had two of them come visit me at my home on saturday. It was so much fun to catch up on their lives and just converse with them as friends. I realized as they left that I did a pretty good job taking care of these young people through the years. I really loved them and wanted the best for them. Although it was always hard to say goodbye to them, I always shared in their joy at graduation, weddings, babies, etc.

The hardest thing for me when the illness hit was to leave my student employees behind. I know they understood and wanted what was best for me, but that separation was truly a difficult sticking point for me. It took me realizing that I needed to care about myself and get myself healthy so that I could be there for my own grown children, my husband, my mom and especially my grandchildren to make me take the steps I needed to take to get on the road to battling this illness. I am still working on it, but good days are winning over bad!

I'm not alone

First let me say both of my children did an excellent job of choosing mates! My son and daughter-in-law are amazing and I couldn't have chosen better if I had hand picked them myself. But we got a double blessing when we connected with our in-laws! Both families are amazing. How great is that? Having support in all aspects of life is so important but in this disease it is crucial!
My husband and I recently traveled to California to visit our daughter for the baby blessing of our newest grandson. My daughter's father-in-law is always so concerned with my health. It really makes me feel so loved when he asks how I'm doing and I can tell he really wants to know. How adorable is this photo? My husband is on the left and he is on the right.
Yesterday he connected me with an amazing article in the Deseret News that I wanted to share with all my fibro brothers and sisters. It really hit home with me. http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705372627/Chronic-fatigue-fibromyalgia-cause-bone-crushing-fatigue-pain-for-many.html

The thing I love about this article is that she talks about how when people ask how are you, your brain goes into overload. At least mine does. How do you answer that simple question that "normal" people answer a hundred times a day. You don't really look sick, you look perfectly fine. Do you say "I'm fine" which is the easiest thing to say. You really aren't fine, you are far from fine, but who wants to hear you talk about how you really are feeling? Most days my biggest sense of accomplishment is that I cleaned the kitchen, YAY! But really that is a big accomplishment. I'm fine with that. I've learned that I have to take my small accomplishments as big like other people would celebrate major accomplishments.

Here is what I have done, maybe this will help others out there struggling to find a sense of accomplishment in the small moments of their lives. I've made a list of things I can do each day that take only about an hour or less (some only 15 minutes). I choose tasks to do according to how well I feel when I wake up in the morning.

clean fridge, vaccum, clean bathroom, clean baseboards, scrapbook, read, indexing for church, cross stitch

This is just a sample of my list. I only choose one or two "chore" items a day. If I try to do more than that, my pain scale rises. If you break down things you can do with your day into small time frames, nothing seems like a mountain too hard to climb. It also gives you a chance to do some things you love to do in between some of the things that are more "chore" in nature. Some days we know are our "bad" days and we are completely down and cannot do anything. Those days happen and we have to allow ourselves to have them. That is the nature of this beast. But that's ok. It is what we do with the good days that count! Give yourself credit for you small accomplishments and Enjoy the moments!

Best advice from my mom

When I was a young mother and struggling, my own mother, wise beyond her years, said something very profound to me. Everything has it's own time. Right now is your time to be a young mom with little children. Enjoy every moment because before you know it, these little children will be grown and gone and have children of their own. Wow, 30 years later I'm holding my youngest grandbaby in my lap wondering how those 30 years slipped through my fingers. My lovely daughter turns 30 this year, which makes me, gulp, 50???? arg. I did think about what my mom said over and over through the years. I made each moment count. The terribly twos weren't so terrible, just challenging because I knew "that too would pass" and I would be on to the next "time" in my adventure of life. The days when I thought I'd go crazy with the bickering between my two children would never end, did end and now they are the best of friends and love each other so much, though they live hundreds of miles apart. I treasured every moment of their teenage years, as trying as some moments were (sigh) because I knew how short 4 years would be in the grand scheme of things. Some of my most treasured moments, looking back were when my son was in college. I worked at the college he was attending and he would come to the library where I worked and eat lunch with me every day. This was such a treat for me to spend this small amount of time, just the two of us. Some days we didn't even talk, he would study, I would read, but just being together, these were precious moments. Now he has a son of his own and a daughter on the way.

I say all this to explain that since my kids grew up and moved on I got caught up in the world of high stress work being the center of my life. My husband and I both worked full time and that was kind of the center of our lives. We spent the weekend with the grandkids if they lived near us and we would vacation to visit those who lived away from, IF we could get the time off of work to visit them. Life was whizzing by at an alarming rate. I can't remember the last time I actually felt good physically but I just kept ignoring every sign. Finally the pain took over and I had to seek help. I was in such denial! Isn't it funny how we just don't like to face our own truth. It was a really tough decision for me to have to leave my job. I really loved it and the people I worked with, but I had to try to get healthy.

I've now reached a new "time" in my life to take care of myself, to spend moments doing things for myself, to spend time with my family, and to learn how to live well with this disease.